Evelynn Starr

They say you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. How very true. But – surprise! – you can’t choose your work colleagues either. As most of you who are laboring in the workforce have already figured out, every group has its real winners. One has to learn how to deal with them, somehow, respecting them for who they are, and loving each for their own special…shall we say…talents.

Now that I have been back from vacation for a while and interacting with my co-workers again, here is a short list of a few folks with whom I spend most of my waking hours. We will soon even get to spend a  w-h-o-l-e  weekend retreat together. Oh I just can’t wait!

The Stuffed Shirt

• a yes-man extraordinaire with arrogance oozing out of his pores.
• has no qualms about telling you directly how stupid he thinks you are.
• will kill and then step over (and sometimes on) the dead bodies to further his career.

Not really my type.

Queen Shit

• acts like she owns the place, including appropriating the parking spot closest to the door.
• spends most of the work day taking breaks, sipping green tea and gossiping.

The Tragic Heroine

• one of the longest-serving, hardest-working members of staff.
• was forced to watch helplessly as most of her department was decimated in a cost-cutting exercise.
• bends over backwards to accommodate others and always delivers ahead of every deadline.

The Ogre

• tolerates no resistance, takes prisoners.
• always in a bad mood and always right.
• always.

The Ageless Intellectual Hippie

• spent the final years of the 1960’s tossing Molotov Cocktails from barricades across Europe.
• hairstyle and politics have changed little since the summer of love but ideals have been modified to suit the modern mainstream.
• is most comfortable quoting Ché Guevara while nibbling on sashimi and sipping a flute of Veuve Cliquot.

Onward comrades!

The Snake

• female, sinister, cold.
• has a sharp tongue but can also inflict lethal injuries with a single nasty look.
• “it’s all about me, me, me.”

The “Office Mattress”

• is an explanation really necessary here?

The Consciencious Objector

• smart as a whip and possesses an uncannily accurate bullshit radar.
• has a strong sense of justice and is very vocal about it.
• an excellent source to have hanging around the watercooler.

The Company Clown

• free entertainment, no matter what the occasion.

The Company Joke

• a detriment to the collegial atmosphere in more ways than one.
• spineless as a tasered amoeba.

The Fish Out of Water

• obviously uncomfortable in office clothes and shaky on high heels.
• has not mastered the art of silly management politics yet and probably never will.
• regularly invests in EuroMillions lottery tickets.